Sunday, 20 December 2009

My New Project

Can anybody tell me the difference between flammable and inflammable? I’ve decided that I’m afflicted by common sense. It takes a moment to fully appreciate the full tragedy of this condition. Imagine trying to make your way in the world while expecting it to conform to rules of logic and reason. In a competitive labour market you don’t stand a chance.

I think I may have to found a charity for the benefit of the precious few sufferers who struggle daily to understand the random and counter intuitive events that life constantly throws at them. The real difficulty of course is that these poor souls go through life with an expression of perpetual confusion. This results in the casual and uncaring onlooker dismissing them as intellectually challenged, when in fact of course the opposite is true.

So the next time you’re in the Beehive and you see a perplexed but ruggedly handsome Irishman, don’t sneer. Shake his hand, hand him a Guinness, and murmur “I feel your pain brother” in his ear. Most importantly though, hand him a Guinness.

Monday, 14 December 2009

Saturday, 28 November 2009

My Hero

Got A Light, Boy?

The bingo in front of me was of the skinny variety, about sixty, female and short. I took an instant dislike to her because she continued to shop after she had taken her place in the queue. She grabbed a variety of sweets and crisps as we waited and arrived at the till still undecided about what to do when she got there. I consciously calmed myself as she made a leisurely selection from the available scratch cards, changing her mind on a couple of occasions, and then progressing to the inevitable, but faltering, cigarette order. Patience has never been my event at the social olympics. At some small distance in the foreseeable future I spotted a point at which she would be somewhere else, I fixed my prescient eye upon it and took heart from it as a shipwrecked sailor does when he spies shore.

It was with some effort that I refrained from muttering out loud when the request for “Seventeen pounds eighty nine” produced a flurry of panicky activity as the bingo began searching for her purse in a handbag the size of a suitcase. A selection of the contents were removed and placed on the counter to aid her search, these included another handbag. Did she not realise that she would need money at the till? How could that have been a surprise to her?

Agonisingly slowly, the bingo located her purse, and meticulously counted out each note and coin to match the cost of her purchases exactly. It took the till operator another five minutes just to pick it all up from the counter. “I’m a professional,” I told myself, “patience is what I do.” The queue behind me was now past the wine cooler and all the way up the aisle to the pharmacy shelf.

The transaction was finally completed, but as I prepared to move forward to the till she said “Oh sorry love, I wanted menthol.” The til operator looked at me. I swear I hadn’t moved a muscle and I had remained poker faced. It’s my belief she noticed my face change colour as I struggled for self control.

For the innocent among you, menthol cigarettes are more expensive than plain tobacco. So the previous transaction had to be cancelled, the cigarettes returned to the shelf, the Menthol cigarettes located, the new transaction punched in, and, in a torture worthy of the deepest pit of hell, the shortfall made up in slow, deliberate, meticulous small coinage.

Eventually, own purchase completed, I headed for the exit, my mood improving as I anticipated my supper. The automatic door was already open though and my path was blocked. Standing in the doorway, paused in the act of lighting her cigarette was the hesitant bingo. “Sorry lad,” she said, “I’ll never get it lit out there, that wind’s awful. I’ll only be a moment.”


So if anyone out there is willing to provide written testimony of my previous good character, or to bear witness to it in court, I’d be very grateful.

Friday, 27 November 2009

Ho hum

No doubt some of our more internet savvy contributers are already bored with this site, but I just found it and it entertained me for eight minutes! There's a prize for remembering which Carlisle nightspot had one.


http://www.atari.com/arcade/battlezone

Tuesday, 24 November 2009

Google Wave Invite

Would any of my fellow apathetes like a Google Wave Invite?

For those of you watching in black and white follow the link below


Let me know?

Saturday, 21 November 2009

My secret fetish

I just can't keep it secret any longer... I am an X-factor fan!

I confess - all that stuff about listening to new bands and reading books is just a front, I'd rather be tucked up in front of the telly on a saturday night watching the awesome Mr. Cowell.

I think John and Edward are not getting the credit they deserve - GO JEDWARD!!

Back to the beehive this week - woohoo! As you're all such great mates (and you haven't mentioned that thing in blackpool with the male stripper) can I offer to play chauffeur?

In fact I'll do the Tuesday driving every week from now on if that's ok?

Wednesday, 11 November 2009

Apathetic Minutes 11.11.09

Attendees: Nutmeg, Dibble & Cud
Apologies: Jackal, Druid & Just Mike

Points of interest:
  • Nutmeg venting : Microsoft SharePoint is the product of an evil, twisted mind
  • Cud was shocked to receive a letter from *content edited due to political nature* and he knows where to download a list of *more content edited due to political nature* most of whom seem to live in Raffles.
  • No 'Hive next week! Impending closure for refurb - Julie is worried about the lights (bit Eighties she reckons)
  • Cud says he could retire in 10 years - [insert age-ist punchline here]
  • Sesame Street versus Rainbow - Big Bird would kick Bungle's ass (unanimous verdict)
  • Name of Jacques Cousteau's boat - Le Ship?
  • Cud had an "Experian" experience - big brother knows all, ooerr.


Next Meeting to be relocated to The Jackal's lovepad - highlights to include "Life of Brian" and a curry. Respect.

Wednesday, 4 November 2009

Cut and paste is your friend.

'Darling. I bear devastating news. I have to replace you with someone who's not a relative.'

Thursday, 15 October 2009

Minutes Apathetic socie etc etc

Mmmmmmmmmm Guinness


Mmmmmmmmmm Crisps


Mmmmmmmmmm Nuts


Fucking Hell what's that at the window!!!!!!!!!


Mmmmmmmmmm Guinness

Monday, 12 October 2009

Minimum Effort Post



Just cut and paste, my friends. Cut and paste is your friend.
This post stolen from here

Saturday, 3 October 2009

Fundamentalists!

I have scanned the newspapers and have not read about meteors striking Carlisle and God hasn't attempted to smite with floods again, which leads me to the conclusion that fundamentalist apathetes have inflitrated the Carlisle chapter.
Step away from extreme apathy, brothers and embrace half assedness.
The only way to fight this stasis is to kinda do something.

Tuesday, 15 September 2009

my daughter nearly died and all i got was this lousy heart attack



Daughter No.1 walked away from this. As did her friends.
Just take a moment.
It was a Peugeot 206 before it was rolled five times.


No words.

Friday, 4 September 2009

i have taken up meditation (at least its better than sitting around doing nothing)

Saturday, 29 August 2009

Mondegreens

The last topic reminded me of these little dittys which I unintentionally (or sometimes not) have misheard...

"I've got Tourettes" - Kaiser Chiefs

"I go to bed and bubble blood" - Katy Melua

"I wear goggles when you are not here" - Macy Gray

...and the classic:

"Bring me an Iron Lung" - Stevie Winwood

Wednesday, 26 August 2009

Kids today.

Just been to a family gathering. My nephew says he has Jazz Hands Tourettes. I'm impressed, think of the possibilities! I think he might be apathetic, I'm so proud (sniff).

Tuesday, 11 August 2009

Over enthusiastic!


I think we've getting a little bit carried away recently and this video points us in the right direction.

Friday, 10 July 2009

Who was that masked man?

As we go about our day, as we sleep peacefully in our warm beds, a battle is raging. A battle between the forces of darkness and the forces of light, between those who seek chaos and those who cherish and defend order. Many brave and good men have taken on this eternal struggle, but there is only one who has never bent, never hesitated to do what needs to be done. He is a rough, violent man who risks his own soul so that the rest of us may safely live out our lives in ignorant bliss. He seeks no credit. There are no medals, nor parades for men such as he. He fights for us and then, weary and bloodied, he returns to a life of simple anonymity, working in Britain's NHS. Who is this soldier? His name does not matter. But you can be sure of one thing, he wouldn't mind a bloody pay rise once in awhile. And if someone bought him a new van he would probably use it to catch evil people.

Apologies to Chuck Lorre.

Tuesday, 7 July 2009

MINUTES OF MIKES LAST MEETING AS SINGLE APATHETE

Present, dibble,nutmeg,cud, jackal,just mike. apologies north eastern druid.
Well the meeting was pushed forward this week and we assembled early to partake of the sumptuous cuisine and also to get some more drinking in to celebrate our esteemed fellow apathees forthcoming nuptials (and his wedding as well).
Tips on how to keep mikes waistline in check before the main event in order for the suit to look just right were proffered and we landed on the right path eventually (lucky man).
The whole gamut of topics was raised this evening including the position of the moon having any kind of relationship to our moods up to and including the effects it has on those less fortunate than ourselves in the attic department.
We were also regaled by cud on his unfortunate week with dampcourse and the vagaries of house refurbishment (a distinct odour was noticed upon at this stage but politely ignored) (not).
It is worthy of note that as we discussed the forthcoming nuptials of said apathee we touched upon the stag night and it were informed that a curry night was in the offing (north eastern druid to be informed)
We also discussed the honeymoon and mike said he was heading to Barcelona for a week and we asked our resident drinking facillitator if she had any tips on where to go in barcelona.
This turned out to be a bit of a hot button for the lithe young pint puller (hot totty indeed sir)
And what followed was a lively diatribe on the various drinking establishments and where to steal the best glasses and also snippets of where to find gaudis best work .
Also we covered the best markets and best tours to see the city.
I left the company early as i now have dog walking duties and sleep to catch up on and i left my fellow apathees early.

Wednesday, 1 July 2009

(sniff) (sniff) pass me a hanky someone im not really into rock and roll but that wasquite touching

Tuesday, 30 June 2009

Full Circle

My ears are ringing, my feet are killing me and I stink of stale beer. The kind that gets thrown on you that is.

But I'm a happy man.

Tonight I finally got to see a band I first heard of back in the late 70's during my school days. Blame my brother, I was minding my own business being a "mod" - black Harrington jacket, listening to bands like The Beat, The Selecter, The Specials and so on. But HE was a "smelly" - a person who liked rock music. And one album in particular spent what seemed like its whole life on his red plastic Decca turntable, called "Let There Be Rock" by AC/DC.

Night after night of listening to this group of Aussies belt out such masterpieces as "Whole Lotta Rosie", "The Jack", "Let There Be Rock" and so on caused me to defect to the dark side. I realised I liked rock music. The Harrington had to go.

And so my love affair with heavy metal began, there have been many bands over the years (and there have been many years) that I have got "into" as they say, but I never actually got to go and see the band that started me on this rock'n'roll road into bad hairstyles.

That all changed tonight.

I got to see my beloved AC/DC in the flesh at Hampden Park, Glasgow on a balmy summer evening just as dusk was falling. And though they must be like 75 or something by now, they were just as I imagined they would be; full of energy and life, belting out all the classics I knew - and some of the ones I have only known for a week. A brilliant 2 hours+ set with fireworks and big screen visuals, but best of all with the one and only Angus Young. Still in his school uniform, a man whose fingers danced over the guitar frets like some mad possessed demon, a seemingly impossible number of chords (my brother taught me that word) flowing from his blurring digits in a symphonic wall of sound that can only come from AC/DC's front man.

He worked the crowd with the skill and showmanship the like of which I have never seen. The stadium was packed to capacity and he had every single person in the palm of his hand as he darted back and forth across the stage, bathed in sweat but clearly loving every minute, feeding off the energy of the crowd. The hits just kept coming and coming, it felt more like a "Greatest Hits" rather than just another gig to promote the latest album. It was as if they were playing the set just for me.

If I could have changed one thing, it would have been to have my grumpy old "Bro" standing next to me, punching the air and "hollering" in his american manner.

I think he would have enjoyed it too.

Wednesday, 20 May 2009

New Business

I'm collecting suggestions and you're my Brains Trust. Todays query is "Places to see before you die, or reach 45." Please submit via comments.

Wednesday, 6 May 2009

Minutes 5th May

Attending: Officer, Dave, Totally, Cud. Apologies from Druid and Just Mike, respect.

Well didn't we just go WILD last night! The evening had a dangerous feel from the start, there was a lairy atmosphere and an air of impending revolution. Sure enough, in due course, an astounding event occurred which I tremble to contemplate even now. Totally went to the bar (Lol, yeah I know but that's not it), and returned not with crisps, but with peanuts! And he did it casually! There was no drum roll, no crackle of kalashnikovs, no flag waving, just an admirably apathetic attempt to blame Dave. I predict a counter revolution in the near future.

Bloodless coup aside, we went to new places in other ways. I listened in astonishment as a conversation developed about football of all things, wtf? As official grumpy git and nay sayer (whatever it is, I'm against it) I felt duty bound to appeal for a change of topic. Football is surely the antithesis of apathy, please discuss in the usual half arsed fashion via comments. The society bless 'em responded sluggishly and developed a new topic and seconds later I was backpedalling furiously as members who shall remain nameless expounded the benefits of moisturising for men and exchanged notes on the latest skin products. In my opinion btw, staff should have written permission to chip in, unless of course she is agreeing with me. Hi Julie, x.

Saturday, 25 April 2009

yes im sure we are all still here but reverting to type i.e supreme apatheticism taking why bother to the purest form.cant wait to get back to the beehive at least i know what sex the barmaid is.
war harness anybody???

Anybody out there?

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

more confusion

only just figured out who "cudbefuckinanybody" is, and now can't even tell the sex of the bar staff in the King's Head! SOMEBODY GET ME A WAR HARNESS!!!

Sunday, 12 April 2009

Clarification

Right, so DAVE is Bob and CUD is Simon? Or have I had too much of the black stuff? (Ahhh)

Wednesday, 8 April 2009

Wednesday, 18 March 2009

Minutes 17th March

Let me see if I can remember a single bloody thing about the last apathetic assembly. I made the mistake of accepting a fourth Guinness and consequently the whole episode is a little foggy. Why then I should decide to take upon myself the duty of recording the event is a mystery to me, but it feels like irresponsibility so I’m in.

Now lets see, attendees, oh hey there were four! Cud, Dibble, and Jackal were gratified to welcome the return of Totally Nutmeg, whose attendance of late has been so hit and miss as to warrant discussion of a new identity – “Totally Apathetic”! A role model for us all. Unfortunately it emerged in the conversation (and the panel feels obliged here to refute allegations of waterboarding in the function room) that he has in fact been going to the gym instead of channel surfing from the comfort of his couch. I’m confused, if you’re apathetic about apathy, but competitive in other spheres, how is your credibility affected? Again humdrum and half-arsed answers via comments please.

Okay so far, now what? Oh, the conversation… well there was some techy stuff which had Cud and Dibble reaching for the long abandoned mutual aqualung, and some speccy stuff which affirmed the compromise that every red blooded male with mild myopia and blisters on his right hand made when he heard it made you blind.

There was some personal stuff which probably shouldn’t be posted without being initialled by a non existent authority figure and we digested the unexpected information that Watchmen was in fact way tolerable, and even considered tolerating it again. Meeting dissolved as usual when we ran out of drinking time.

Friday, 27 February 2009

Warsaw Uprising - The Apathetes Band

Presenting the worlds first apathete super group. Each member has two instruments or roles that work in direct conflict with each other, bearing in mind they need to be played simultaneously!
Please suggest alternatives this is merely a working list allowing us to not get round to doing it later.

Name: Warsaw Uprising

Genre: Acid Skiffle

officer dibble: slide trombone - keyboards

North Eastern Druid: triangle - tambourine

Totally Nutmeg: saxophone - drums

davethejackal: lead vocals - bagpipes

Cud Dobetter: theramin - glockenspiel


Monday, 23 February 2009

Some days, Rorschach's mask just refused to look scary


Release date is apparently 03/06/09 but only if your a merkin.
Apathetic outing to the cinema proposed for next Friday (06/03/09).

Wednesday, 18 February 2009

may i humbly suggest sir terry pratchett for hero of the week?

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

Minutes of Apathetic Society Meeting, Tuesday 17/02/2009

Attendees : Cud, Dibble, Jackal
Apathetes in chief : Nutmeg (Totally), Druid (Northern), Mike (Just Mike, ok?)
... so this week we are talking about stuff in general, crisp flavours, absence of society mascot due to ill health, post modern interpretations of Disney cartoons with reference specifically to the godlike genius of "Phineas and Ferb", the inevitable, and regrettable, suckiness of the forthcoming Watchmen movie and so forth. It occurs that we are unable to recall who selected Jade Goody in our traditional "Celebrity Death Lottery" and conclude that given the inevitable conclusion, we are all winners. We have also proven that statistically 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape, and 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy. I thank you.

Point of Order : - Gentlemen, and lurkers, i invite your nominations for two prestigious honors instituted this very evening in the Beehive public house. Namely The Apathetic Society's inaugural "Bitch of the Week" and "Apathete of the Week" awards. To be clear, no sexism is intended. The Bitch of the Week can be any pointless waste of skin that triggers your righteous instinct to maim, kill, and swear incessantly. The Apathete of the Week must be somebody who by there very existence embodies the ideals that all highly trained apathetes live by. We look forward nominations of the most half-arsed and humdrum kind.
Please nominate via the comments option. All nominees will be evaluate next tuesday 24/02/09 at the usual Apathetic society meeting.

Pip Pip

Dave The Jackal

for your consideration

Dear god,can somebody (Nutmeg, Druid, i'm looking at you!) please stop it starting!It has much funny but is (auto)starting to unhinge me Thx DTJ Bob_and_Tom_-_Telemarketer_Nightmare


Bob_and_Tom_-_Telemarketer_Nightmare from http://joshualowry.vox.com/

Monday, 9 February 2009

fantastically apathetic effort lads no posts at all for a week and a half keep up the no work!!!

Saturday, 31 January 2009

think we have gone a bit over the top with our postings chaps!!!

Monday, 19 January 2009


Striking the delicate balance between family and hobbies...

Friday, 16 January 2009

419EATER

Does somebody want to transfer millions of dollars into your account?
Does someone want you pay you to cash cheques and send them the money?
Met a new friend/penpal on a friendship/dating site who's asking you for money?
Has a dying person contacted you wanting your help to give his money to charity?
Have you sold an item and are asked to accept a payment larger than the item amount?

http://www.419eater.com/

Tuesday, 13 January 2009

Start as we mean to go on...

I thought a quote would be a suitably apathetic approach, this is from "Only You Can Save Mankind".

"Why do you just accept everything? Why don't you try to change things?"

"They're generally bad enough already."

Terry Pratchett 1992

Monday, 12 January 2009

Here is the music forecast.

Following a quiet start, a full 1970's style prog rock wig-out will lead to outbreaks of sea shanties and sticking your finger in your ear. Veering northerly towards Canada as the energy levels increase, multiple acoustic weirdness will finally settle down to a chilled out northerly breeze from direction of Iceland.


not sure if that really works, just listen